Emotional Intelligence and Self-Regulation

[00:00:00] Intro

NARRATOR: Welcome to Bandwidth & Balance, conversations about mental health, burnout, and recovery. Here’s your host, Scott Schroeder.

[00:00:10] Welcome & Introducing Christopher Dunston

SCOTT SCHROEDER: Welcome. I’m Scott Schroeder, and here we talk with founders, executives, entrepreneurs, and mental health professionals. We talk about what happens when work and life become too much, and what it takes to help, rebuild, and move forward.

So we’re going to jump right into today’s conversation. I’m very grateful to have a friend and colleague, Christopher Dunston, here with me. Today we’re going to talk about emotional intelligence and self-regulation, especially when stress or strong emotions take over.

Christopher is the house manager at Exclusive Hawaii Rehab and the founder of PowerCore Wellness. His coaching focuses on emotional intelligence, self-regulation, decision-making, and turning awareness into healthier action. Christopher, how the heck are you today?

CHRISTOPHER DUNSTON: I’m doing well. Just getting through a little bit of Hawaii weather.

SCOTT SCHROEDER: Yeah, that’s for sure. It does rain out there, and it’s beautiful.

[00:01:38] How Christopher Got Into Coaching

SCOTT SCHROEDER: Tell me a little bit about how long you’ve been coaching people and what drew you into this work.

CHRISTOPHER DUNSTON: Well, I’ve been coaching people for about 23 years now. I started working in fitness as a strength and conditioning coach for over 18 years, owned a couple of gyms, and developed a healthy appreciation for emotional development in achieving physical outcomes. I integrated emotional intelligence into my fitness protocols to help clients develop emotional awareness to support their nutrition and fitness goals.

After 15 or 16 years, people started telling me, “Hey, I can find another trainer. I just want you to train me with this other stuff.” It took off organically from there and branched into working with business professionals who face high amounts of stress and decision-making under pressure.

[00:03:06] What Emotional Intelligence Really Is

SCOTT SCHROEDER: How would you define emotional intelligence in everyday language?

CHRISTOPHER DUNSTON: Here’s the big thing: emotions and feelings are not the same. Most people confuse the two. Emotional energy is what you feel physically. Emotional intelligence is the ability to convert that emotional energy into the appropriate feeling for the action you want to take.

First, awareness must be established: “Okay, I’m emotional. My body feels tense, I feel energized.” Now, where that energy goes is based on what you believe. There are three primary beliefs we hold:

1. What I believe about myself
2. What I believe about the future
3. What I believe about others / things outside of myself

That energy converts into a feeling—fear, anxiety, empowerment, or whatever it is. Ultimately, emotional intelligence is the awareness around what you believe and how it converts your emotional energy into feelings.

[00:04:38] Why It Matters: Living by How We Feel

SCOTT SCHROEDER: Why does it matter? What happens when someone develops this skill versus when they don’t?

CHRISTOPHER DUNSTON: Unless trained otherwise, most people live their entire lives responding to how they feel. They aren’t aware of the underlying beliefs creating those feelings. If feelings are bad, they just want to stop feeling bad.

Many wildly successful people manage their lives solely by trying to “feel good.” But feeling good doesn’t mean you are self-aware. Where the dynamic breaks down is when you feel bad. When you feel bad, you do whatever you can until you eventually feel good again—and that’s where destructive patterns and addiction start to emerge.

[00:06:35] Regulation vs. Suppression (The Hose)

SCOTT SCHROEDER: A lot of people hear “self-regulation” and think it means hiding what they feel. What does it mean to truly regulate an emotion rather than suppress it?

CHRISTOPHER DUNSTON: Think of ourselves as a water hose. Emotional energy is the water traveling through the hose, and the water coming out the end is the feeling. Regulation is directing the hose so the energy goes toward a productive outcome.

Suppression is bending or capping the hose. The pressure builds up inside until a bubble forms and something explodes. Emotional suppression is not regulation.

When you’re dysregulated, focus on directing yourself, not on controlling the outcome. For example, in an argument, don’t worry about how the other person responds; focus on how you are speaking. If you aren’t regulated, the look in your eyes, the tempo of your speech, and your eye contact will make others feel unsettled.

[00:09:15] The First Moments When Emotions Run High

SCOTT SCHROEDER: When someone receives upsetting news or gets into a heated argument, what can they do in the first few moments before making a decision they might regret?

CHRISTOPHER DUNSTON: We follow a basic hierarchy:

1. Physical First: Take deep breaths and count down from 10 to activate your prefrontal cortex. When stressed, your amygdala is active and pumping stress hormones.
2. Body Scan: Check in with yourself: Are your shoulders tight? Is your face hot?
3. Ask a Question Rather Than Make a Statement: Focus on gaining clarity. Either clearly state what you believe about yourself and your future intentions, or ask the other person what they believe and what vision they hold for the future.

Asking clear, concise questions gives you a framework so you don’t get tangled up in temporary feelings.

[00:12:22] Daily Practices: Sleep, Nutrition, Energy

SCOTT SCHROEDER: What daily practices can help someone strengthen this ability over time?

CHRISTOPHER DUNSTON: The foundational daily habits—sleep hygiene, nutrition, and physical/social activity—are the baseline for mental clarity and emotional regulation.

When clients tell me they want to make big changes, I always start by asking about their sleep habits. Cortisol levels are highest in the morning; do you have a routine to manage that, or do you jump straight onto the caffeine train?

Sleep, nutrition, and how you manage your energetic space (activity and social circle) are the three foundational pillars for everything else.

[00:15:06] Scott’s Story: Chronic Pain, Meditation & Breathwork

SCOTT SCHROEDER: I can totally relate to that. I used to struggle with chronic back and leg pain. I started waking up earlier to do 10 minutes of quiet meditation, prayer, and Wim Hof breathing exercises. Getting oxygen into the body and calming my central nervous system eliminated that chronic back pain. It makes so much sense now looking at how stress and cortisol impact the body.

[00:16:44] Supporting Someone Else Without Controlling Them

SCOTT SCHROEDER: How can a manager, coach, friend, or family member support someone who is dysregulated without trying to control their emotions?

CHRISTOPHER DUNSTON: Focus on asking clarifying questions about core beliefs rather than reacting to feelings. Ask: “What do you believe I’m trying to make happen for you right now?” or “What do you think the goal is here?”

Clarity doesn’t always mean you’ll agree or live happily ever after. Sometimes clarity shows that your future visions don’t align, and that’s okay. Frame conversations around identifying core beliefs and future intentions.

[00:20:41] The Three Pillars of Emotional Intelligence

SCOTT SCHROEDER: If stated simply, what are the three main pillars?

CHRISTOPHER DUNSTON:

1. Sleep Hygiene: Sleep is the baseline for everything. If you aren’t sleeping, you can’t regulate.
2. Nutrition: The brain needs proper micronutrients and macronutrients (healthy fats and sugars) to function cleanly.
3. Energetic Space: Managing your daily activity, movement, and social circle.

You are the lens through which emotional energy shines; keeping those three pillars strong keeps your lens clean.

[00:22:40] Emotional Intelligence in Recovery & Resilience

SCOTT SCHROEDER: What role does emotional intelligence play in long-term recovery and resilience?

CHRISTOPHER DUNSTON: Emotional intelligence isn’t about avoiding all problems; it’s knowing how to respond and redirect your energy when things don’t go as planned.

Knowing these concepts doesn’t mean you’ve mastered them—it’s a continuous practice. When you get knocked off track, ask yourself: “Did I sleep enough? Am I hydrated? Have I exceeded my stress capacity today?”

[00:25:32] When to Seek a Licensed Professional

SCOTT SCHROEDER: Where is the line between emotional intelligence coaching and needing clinical care from a licensed mental health professional?

CHRISTOPHER DUNSTON: To do coaching work, a person’s physical and mental baseline must be stable enough. If someone’s brain and nervous system are severely dysregulated, they aren’t capable of processing emotional intelligence work yet.

In residential treatment, it often takes 6 to 8 weeks of consistent sleep, structured nutrition, and safety before the mental fog clears enough to discuss emotional energy. If a person’s mental state cannot stabilize through basic regulation practices, clinical intervention is necessary.

[00:28:32] One Thing to Practice Today

SCOTT SCHROEDER: What is one simple thing a listener can practice today to handle stress better?

CHRISTOPHER DUNSTON: Learn to think despite how you feel.

Validate your feelings—it’s fine to admit you’re frustrated or upset—but don’t let feelings make the decision. Ask yourself: “I feel irritated, but what do I actually believe I need to do right now? Is this person really my enemy?” Separate your temporary feelings from your logical thoughts.

[00:30:08] Wrap-Up

SCOTT SCHROEDER: That speaks so clearly. Christopher, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and giving us practical tools to work on.

This podcast is presented by Exclusive Hawaii Rehab. If you or someone you care about is struggling with mental health or addiction, please reach out to our team at the phone number on screen or visit our website for more information.

Thank you for joining us today—I’m Scott Schroeder, and we’ll see you next time.